If you really think about it, first dates are just an interview for your heart and your genitals. You’re trying to figure out whether this person gives you one of two things (ideally both): a heart on and a hard on, because that’s essentially what a happy (long-term or not long-term) relationship boils down to.

That’s a lot of pressure though. It’s way more pressure than your mom at every holiday wondering where your boyfriend or her grandchildren are, like how does she not understand that they’re in a condom somewhere.

So, as your fairy godmother of love and all things sex, here are some first date faux pas that you should avoid.

1. Don’t be rude

Pretend your mom is a fly on the wall listening to everything you say and watching everything you do with 5 tinyass eyeballs.

Practice self-restraint and self-filtering. Being authentic is trendy right now, being a douche is not. So, before you say something you and all of your ancestors will regret (remember, they’ve lived through 2 world wars and a great depression to give you life), think before you speak*.

*This also includes being polite to the wait staff.

2. Don’t talk about yourself all night

I am 100% positive that your Science Fair project in grade 3 was super cool and “you just had to be there to really get it” but *newsflash* she doesn’t care. If you find yourself rambling because of your nerves, PLEASE let your date know. You’re a human being and humans are basically just anxious cucumbers with appendages. We’re mostly made of water but have a lot of feelings we don’t know how to handle and that’s okay!

Plus, being nervous can be charming, it says a lot about how you feel about the other person and that can be cute. Remember what I said about authenticity, authentic guys usually get the Gluck Gluck 9000 at some point in their future (yes, that was a Call Her Daddy reference).

3. Don’t be distracted

This sort of ties in to #1 but it’s important enough that it deserves its own bullet. PUT 👏 YOUR 👏 PHONES 👏 DOWN.

Give the other person the respect of having your full attention. Unless it’s an emergency, keep your phone in your pocket.

4. Don’t ask inappropriate questions

You’d think this would be common sense but a guy once asked me if I did butt stuff on a first date and I choked on the free bread.

And not only should you avoid inappropriate questions, but don’t ask questions that trivialize the other person’s values. For example, if your date is vegan ask them why they chose to become vegan but not why their purse is made of leather if they’re vegan.

5. Don’t exploit people

This sounds super intense and you’re probably wondering ‘how the hell can I be exploitative?’ Well, darling, real easily. If someone mentions that they work at a popular night club, don’t ask them if they can get you and your 18 friends line by-pass.

You can and should, however, ask them more about their experience and whether or not they like it. Be curious and genuinely interested about their life and that includes their work.

6. Don’t talk about your exes

Do: mention if you just got out of a serious relationship to give them a heads up on what your intentions are (but hopefully they would have seen that on your Clover profile).

Don’t: go on and on about your ex and how they sucked. You’re supposed to have moved on at this point and that makes it sound like you haven’t. Plus, you’ve got more important things to talk about like whether he likes dogs, and if he doesn’t, then that’s a deal breaker for me 😂

7. Don’t assume the other person will pay

What has worked for me on my 1,859 dates in my lifetime is I usually stick to this rule when it comes to the bill: whoever asked the other person out, pays. If there’s a second part to the date (like dessert), then the person who didn’t pay for the first part pays for the second part.

Regardless, always make an effort to pay for the bill. So, do things like reaching out for the bill, playfully arguing a bit and then being genuinely thankful if they insist on paying for it.

8. Don’t ask questions that make it sound like you’re obviously spouse shopping

Don’t ask things like how they feel about women who take their husband’s last name or what engagement ring they dream about.

I swear to you the engagement ring scenario happened to me once on a first date, and get this, HE NEVER CALLED ME BACK. Firstly, how dare he? Secondly, LET ME NOT CALL YOU BACK FIRST, YOU WEIRDO!!

9. Don’t bring up emotional traumas

I’m an open book when it comes to my long list of emotional traumas, hell, I joke about them on my social media because actual therapy is expensive (LOL), so I know firsthand that this is hard not to do.

But remember to keep that information for date 5-8, and even then you gotta drop little bits of information at a time. Not only is this important for you because it lets you open up to people at your own pace, but it also helps ease them into it as well.

10. Don’t overthink

I know you’re probably squinting at your screen in silent frustration at me because I just gave you 9 other things to overthink about and then ended it all with “but don’t overthink!” like, how dare I?

But for real! Try to just keep these tips in the back of your mind and just go and have fun! The entire purpose of a first date is for you to show them what 70% of you is like (lol, the 30% comes after). So try to relax, be honest with how you feel, and show them as best as possible your authentic self.

Dating ain’t easy so share this article with your friends to help them out!